Thursday, May 31, 2012 PM

It's getting late, but I feel the need to communicate my feelings.
Depression is becomming problematic.  I never thought I'd wind up in this kind of condition.  I ache all over, my patience is very low, I'm physically exhasted, and my moods are becomming erratic.
I so wish I were well and strong again, but I'm not, and I have a sinking feeling that I never will be well again.  So many people have told me that I'm strong and determined, and that I will overcome this.  I'd like to see them feel this way and be so optimistic.
It looks like one problem solved leads to another problem.  I've given up on trying to keep up with all the doctor's appointments and the schedule of treatments and trips.
I didn't like being in the hospital, but all I had to worry about there was keeping my stuffed kitty in the bed with me.  I'm not a whiner, so I only called for a nurse about 15 times in the week I was there.  When I was doing clinical nursing, I hated to be called to a patient's room to humor their feelings of loniliness or depression, though those are both serious feelings we all face.  I don't like being lonly or depressed, either, but on a med/surg floor, there are more serious worries for the nurses than life-long insecurities of some patient whose family has bailed.  I feel the same way about myself.  I didn't want company, I wnted to get well and come home.  The nurses were great to me, and the doctor who treated me was excellent.
He has referred me to an oncologist who will be administering my chemotherapy.  Rah!
I just hope this guy has a sense of humor.  If he doesn't, I'll be glad to loan him mine. 
I've been poked, proded, rinsed out, medicated, turned, x-rayed, and blood-soaked.
I feel even worse now than when we started all this, and about all I need to complete the gristly end to thisdrama is to show up in public looking like Vestal Goodman in a bad bleach job.
My stomach is terribly swollen and distended.  Janie told me I looked like I was gaining weight.
Yeah, RIGHT!
This liviong hell just makes my appetite jump with joy at the mere thought of a dinner buffet.
Chris Mannes sent me a nice letter today.  She's a good woman, and is incredibly well-suited for her calling as a United Methodist Minister's wife.  Her daughters and I are great friends, and her husband, Ronnie, and I are totally comfortable with each other.  He's an incredibly nice fellow.
I've shown a few people my nice row of metal staples in my belly, and they're all totally in awe.  I feel like I'm lost somewhere between a threadbare corset and some kind of monster that you can unzip and disable.
I've had a recurring horror of getting one of those nice little goddies caught in a waist-band and ripping myself open in public.
Janie drove me down to Barbara's today to get some frozen meat she had for us.  She's been so supportive during all this, and The 'Queen Mother' has been ever-vigilent with her prayerful support.
She's seen most of her friends die before her, and she's used to suffering and trouble.
Barbara's house looks so nice now that Amy is cleaning for her.  Amy always has time for Elizabeth, and that takes over for Barbara for a while.
It's stressful caring for an elder (or a younger), and we all need a break from the toil.
I''m still overwhelmed by the support in Rutledge and Grainger County.  I got a very nice get-well card from Ann Cason and Chris Etters today.  Ann is the CEO of the Grainger Today, and Chriss is one of the Etters boys whose farm bordered ours on the rear when we were children.
Ruth Wells also sent me a nice card.  She's a glamorous widow who lives on the edge of town, and we've been friends for several years.  Her husband, Fain, died about a year or so ago.  She lives in this absolutely gorgose log home with a lovely curving driveway.  It looks like a Currier and Ives print.
She's always turned out in the most beautiful style, and she's sweet and bubbly.
I got a card from a ladie's Sunday School Class at Blue Springs Baptist Church, and I don't know even one of the women who signed it.  Steve says my insluence is more far-reaching than I would think.  I'm glad for their affection, and I hope I deserve it.
Margaret Southerland, a lady who has worked at Smith's Drug Store for many years, talked with me for quite a while today about my care.  She had called to ask after me several days ago.  She's had a hard life, but she keeps her troubles to herself.  Not many people like her, but we can get along.  I didn't know until today that she's now the general manager of the store.  She just works along like always.
Bobby Curl came by Creekside yesterday and brought me some of the nicest tomatoes.  He cried like a little boy when I told him of my troubles.  He had built our stunning stone fence several years ago, and our close work together bonded us a friends forever.  He's lost a lot of weight, and looks awfully thin.  He lives alone, having lost his long-time lady companion, Norma Jean Morgan, last year.
She worked like a man right along him, and took terrible abuse from him, but they loved each other, and he misses her terribly.  I don't believe there will ever be another woman for him.
Connie Fain came to the house day before yesterday and brought a very nice chicken dish that was delicious.  She said it was easy to make, but she works hard, so easy for her might not be so easy for me.
Richard, her husband, had sent some fresh eggs the day before.  He rebuilt the starter on the red truck.  It had been giving trouble for a while, and now it starts like a new one.  I'd hate the thought of looking for a new vehicle these days, so I guess I'll just keep the ones running we have now.  Maybe they'll last me out.
Mary Douglass came to clean today.  She commented that I look better in my color and appearance.
I sure hope something is better.
Joan Stalsworth, my friend who is manager of the Family Dollar in Rutledge, called this evening to 'just hear my voice and tell me she loves me'.  Is that nice, or what?
We've been friends for a long time, and she's always so thoughtful of any problem or trouble I have.
She closed the doors of the store for a prayer vigil on my behalf Tuesday morning at the time of my scheduled surgery.  Dr. Duffy Foutch closed his dental practice at the same time for the same reason,
The Down Home Restaurant asked customers to seat themselves and wait quietly at their table until they had held prayer for me, the office of Adult Education for Grainger County closed their doors, Smith's Drug Store closed for thirty minutes,The Grainger Today did not take calls during that period of time, and many employees leftr their work stations to disappear into some private area for prayers spoken on my behalf all over the county.  I'm overwhelmen by such support.
We could feel the change come into the surgical unit.  It was like a fog, sweeping into the OR, and the techs were looking around at each other, trying to figure out what was happening.  I knew what was happening, and told them.  They visibly relaxed after being made aware of what was happening.
I'v now decided that I'm going to design and contribute lovely hats to the Cancer Society, so that those ladies who have always been beautiful with their hair can now be beautiful without their hair.
I'm going to make some for girls, too.  The boys will just have to muddle through with baseball caps.
I don't want to get ready and go to bed, so it's a safe bet some nice hat(s) might be put together a little later.  I feel the need to give something to the others who suffer.
The Vent is Over!